Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
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i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
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After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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