so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
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I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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