he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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