you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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