M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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