my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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