After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize