i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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