We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
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for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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