Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
