can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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