the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
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You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
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I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize