After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
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My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
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I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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