note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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