dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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