Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
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people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
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I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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