yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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