she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize