This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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