hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
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I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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