I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize