I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
this beer tastes like vomit already
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
