Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
