peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
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