this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
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4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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