I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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