Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
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I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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