arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
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He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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