When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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