If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
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My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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