Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
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