i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
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I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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