yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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