He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
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I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
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I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I pour the whiskey from now on
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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