please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize