it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
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there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
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By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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