the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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