I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Do vagina's smell?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We have started to decorate penises.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
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How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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