I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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