Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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