your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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