I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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