Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I smell stomach acid.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
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Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
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I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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