Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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