I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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