I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
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The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
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If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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