he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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