i may or may not be watching the land before time
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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