answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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