so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
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What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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