ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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