I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
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do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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